I remember this situation... Things were a little diff but its pretty much the same as before - only better. I'm really uncertain about stuff at the moment - I don't have strong feelings about anything really. I feel like i'm doing stuff because it seems like its expected of me, not because its what I want. I do know that whatever i'm doing its because I chose it though, and i'm not letting other people run my life right now.

Revision is going okay... I haven't done enough but i'm planning to change it this week and get revising. Am still not sure which uni i'm aiming for... am sorta wishing i'd applied to Durham now but what the hell.

And driving on my own is getting good again, the roads are dry more often at the moment which is great, traction in the rain has been really bad and a little scary at times so i've had to tone it down a little recently.

My real friends are great too. I'm fitting right into the big brother role for two people at the moment and its great to know that they appreciate me being there for them. Its wierd that girls seem to appreciate my advice even when I think its crap... Do other guys really not pay real attention to what they're saying? =\ I swear I just state the obvious solution sometimes :P

Phony friends are fine as well - i'm finding it funny that I can be anyone I want if I put my mind to it.

I'm dropping right back into gaming too - hence my being up at this hour just about every night. Its really not good with my exams coming up but its something to do when i'm at home. I can be whoever I want online and I get accepted for it. Sure i'm still closet about it with a lot of people but for the ones who don't care its a good topic of conversation as well.

I guess really its not full circle... I think i'm schizophrenic this time around =)

Living more than one life sure is tiring...

Night x

Tuesday to Thursday were amazing. I had a great time with someone who's a real friend to me. I had fun shopping and we just walked around for the hell of it so we could chat. I felt so comfortable and relaxed and I didn't want it to end.

And today everything seems wrong again. The cutting truth of my entire situation and life in general just ruins it all. Back to home and reality and I suddenly have no idea what to do.

At least i've got someone to turn to... in the same way that they looked to me in the past. Things should turn out fine.

So I realise I was gonna summarise the year but I really don't want to tread over the past now.

Looking forward to 2007?

Well... i'm starting it badly but I guess i'm happy doing it this way (however little sense that made). Hell i'll be at uni by the end of this year - that's something I can really look forward to. Getting away from home and making new friends. That doesn't mean i'm going to forget my current friends... This place is always going to be my home and the friends i've got here mean a lot to me.

What else do I wanna do in 2007? I dunno if the trip in Easter (the one where we drive around lots, meeting ppl) is going to happen but I really want it to. It would be great to do something organised by a few people and to see friends.

Get the grades I need would be a good one too I spose.

*sigh* Not a lot else.

And resolutions? No point saying stuff like i'm gonna be a better person cause i'm failing/have already failed that. Maybe just to enjoy myself - time is just gonna pass whether i'm having fun or not, and theres no point wasting time. Its not a proper resolution but its something I can stick to.

A bit thanks to my lil sis too =) Dunno what i'd do without a friend like you.

Smoking that cig

Pulling up at those lights

Going home then

Making that comment

Being there for a friend

Playing a game of cs

Its amazing how the little things can change your life forever and bring up so many different paths to take. I can't help but wonder how different my memories would be if i'd taken different options. Has chance delt me kindly? I'll never know...

...but i'd like to think so. I wouldn't give up my memories - purely because they're mine, and they make me me.

Honestly what will become of me

I'm sure i'm sposed to feel bad right now. But I really don't. In fact... watching people this weekend has just shown me what so many are really like. I've ditched my morals before but this is fucking stupid.

And what is it?.. Its real life. No more fucking about pretending everyone is nice. No best friends, true love and any other stupid ideals you can think of.

I don't know if I care anymore.

I really don't know what to write in here anymore...

Its wierd, I don't feel like its my life so much... like i'm just watching in. When I lie in bed I can't understand everything i've done and has happened.

Just wanna give up...

Okay so last week I was all "Should I really be doing this?"

Now I'm all "WTF AM I DOING?"

And I like it =)

Fuck rationality.

I can't fucking take this anymore. I've made friends with a load of new people. I planned another really good weekend. I've finished my ucas and done my homework properly. I did a lot more exersice and I bought new clothes.

I come back home and put on one song and feel like shit again.

Fuck... =\

I'm scared again. When did things stop being simple?

Party was good. Some people were dicks but that's to be expected. Was so wired until the way home too. Good times.

Had to interrupt my daytime sleep to go meet some new peoples in town. Was pretty good. I felt old but not in a bad way. Just a sorta caring niceness/grown-upness. Peoples younger than me can be so much more mature than a lot of guys at school. I like that. And they're genuinely safe.

Met up with school guys to go watch fireworks. Was cool but kinda hurt my head.

And now i'm tired. And really fucked off at the same time. Its like i'm seeing everyone in a different light since the weekend began. I've gotten so much closer to someone, but at the same time i'm drifting away from others.

Thats just change though right?

"Change is good" they say. Just not sure what I want things to change to.

Best time i've had in a long while =)

And that was just one night this weekend. Still got the party tonight and town and fireworks tommorow to look forward to.

Found my feet

Current Mood: contemplative

Been at a loss for words recently. I was meaning to blog but everytime I got to this page I just sorta blanked and didn't know what to type. Well this is a start anyway. =)

Erm... So... what have I been doing recently?

Swimming training. Lol. Interval training is painful and tiring but i'm already getting some results out of it so its good stuff. Wanna try and get down to a 45 second 50m short course at breastroke. (Doin about 55 seconds atm... but people can cut 10 seconds off just through technique in a few months...) Gna see what the team guys get... might be able to get in there.

And uhh... yeah school is kinda the suck atm. Work this year is hard. UCAS sent this morning... hope I get some good offers. I like Warwick since going there now too so deciding is gonna be hard.

This weekend should be good. Lot of stuff to try and fit in =\

And... sleep. Been pushed off the Nytol but i've been listening to some nice music to help me sleep. Sigur Ros seems to be the best so far.

So I avoided a rant and summed up a week or so of events minus the paintball which no one cares about. Good stuff.

Let’s stop stabbing in the dark
Let’s go walking in the park...

...who help make me who I am

I'm thinking I should go to bed now, but its been a lot better than going to bed. Laters. And thx. x

I’ll sing alone
the whole night through.
While you sleep safely,
I’ll be thinking about you.

I thought this was going to get easier... yet every day gets worse.

I'm scared to go to bed. Being on my own messes with my head.

It just needs time.

But how much more of this?

The littlest things... that cut me deepest

Life moves on...

It just moves on without me

For waiting up.
For still caring.
For being this hurt.

I'm glad its half term... :)